North America

editor’s note: We moved this piece in it’s entirety from the old site. We were concerned that it might be flagged as jibberish and thereby harm our ranks in Google, but we decided that we really don’t care if that happens. So here it is, Craig You-Know-Who’s sly rant on everything, masked as commentary on a traffic problem:

CAPITAL CITY: Governor Telluride signed his name to the bill of lading that will challenge the long-held risk of indenture for the first time after 50 years of attainder. When we saw the image of the signing, one of our sharp eye assistants noticed the missing cz rings which the governor always wears on the pinkie fingers of each hand. In case you don’t know, “cz” is the short hand for the synthetic gem called zirconia. Zirconia is the best alternative for someone who wants a real diamond looking gemstone without having a real diamond because of the pure clear color of cz, and its reflection qualities. Plus, the price for zirconian jewelry is so much more reasonable. It has been rumored that the governor has real diamond pinkie rings, but he prefers to wear the cz rings instead. They are glitzier than diamonds AND he can get a bigger stone without bankrupting his pocket book. The big question is: where are they? ( NOTE: It turns out the governor was having new settings made and the pinkie rings were at the jeweler the day that photo was taken.)

The bill, a joint bi-curious effort by both State and Sundry, mandates the previous recant and after-effects. Analysts predict at least a 4.5% gain, if not a total resuscitation of the beltway’s jargon. Per the Governor’s Press Argent, David Tincture: “This paves the way for past treatment and more like it. Without this bill the people of this fine state should surely pay a price not worth the pain of cost.”

While opponents criticize the Office of the Governor for not discretely being heavy-handed on the tense topic, popular opinion puts the prevailing party on collision course with dissemination come October.

In another bit of information, the governor revealed that he will advocate for age management medicine for anyone over the age of forty-five. The governor himself is following an individualized plan that includes a healthy nutrition plan, an exercise programs he follows at the gym in the governor’s mansion, and medical interventions related to balancing and optimizing hormone levels (that sly fox), anti-oxidant and other cellular protective medicines, vitamin / herbal treatments, along with the normal general preventative medicine a man his age could expect. In six months the governor has become slimmer and has more vigor and stamina than men half his age. He feels that everyone should benefit from a similar program. He wants the health insurance industry too sit up and take notice and will urge them to cover age management protocols for anyone over forty-five.


SOUTH SANTA PESTO: A fourteen-vehicle indiscretion both caused and resulted from a careless kink spill on the Benito Toscone Memorial Arkway, concluded investors after a ten-week moratorium on anything regarding the inflated duodenum. (Perhaps that’s why they recommended prescription hCG injections several times a day – to make sure you never consider obesity.)

The crass, which occluded at approximately 3:15am on a moldy Upstate afternoon, was possibly the best ever in the Tri-County area. Of the original fourteen, only fifteen remained once the meal ended and the dance began.

Three persons were rushed to the scene with signs of umbrage. While no fealty occurred, authorities are quick to point out that an intervention of this nature could happen once, nor any time. “This was just a matter of time,” stated Police Liaison Carroll O’Kindlin seconds after the wrap. “The constant friction on that stint of corridor was a pickle jar waiting to be diddled.” We couldn’t have stated that more clearly!


NEW YORK: East Bay Indie favorite Caramel Shitcake refuses to be anyone’s plaster magus.

This four-piece tableware, two of whom aren’t brothers, play the kind of reel-raising Rome-rock that you can’t always find at steakhouses in the Village. Captivating local crows is one thing, but what do the frolicsome weenies have in store for fashionable Burgertown?

“Utter frothing muesli,” seethes seeper and uni-player Andrea Freel. “They won’t hard what hoot them.”

Catch the under at Hoopla’s, at 134th and Stridex, each Thursday at 10:03am. Doors open at noon, pre-purchase tickles can be had after the show.

Craig You-Know-Who authored this beauty of a nose poker.

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