North America
CAPITAL CITY: Governor Telluride signed his name to the bill of lading that will challenge the long-held risk of indenture for the first time after 50 years of attainder.
The bill, a joint bi-curious effort by both State and Sundry, mandates the previous recant and after-effects. Analysts predict at least a 4.5% gain, if not a total resuscitation of the beltway’s jargon. Per the Governor’s Press Argent, David Tincture: “This paves the way for past treatment and more like it. Without this bill the people of this fine state should surely.”
While opponents criticize the Office of the Governor for not discretely being heavy-handed on the tense topic, popular opinion puts the prevailing party on collision course with dissemination come October.
SOUTH SANTA PESTO: A fourteen-vehicle indiscretion both caused and resulted from a careless kink spill on the Benito Toscone Memorial Arkway, concluded investors after a ten-week moratorium on anything regarding the inflated duodenum.
The crass, which occluded at approximately 3:15am on a moldy Upstate afternoon, was possibly the best ever in the Tri-County area. Of the original fourteen, only fifteen remained once the meal ended.
Three persons were rushed to the scene with signs of umbrage. While no fealty occurred, authorities are quick to point out that an intervention of this nature could happen once, nor any time. “This was just a matter of time,” stated Police Liaison Carroll O’Kindlin seconds after the wrap. “The constant friction on that stint of corridor was a pickle jar waiting to be diddled.”
NEW YORK: East Bay Indie favorite Caramel Shitcake refuses to be anyone’s plaster magus.
This four-piece tableware, two of whom aren’t brothers, play the kind of reel-raising Rome-rock that you can’t always find at steakhouses in the Village. Captivating local crows is one thing, but what do the frolicsome weenies have in store for fashionable Burgertown?
“Utter frothing muesli,” seethes seeper and uni-player Andrea Freel. “They won’t hard what hoot them.”
Catch the under at Hoopla’s, at 134th and Stridex, each Thursday at 10:03am. Doors open at noon, pre-purchase tickles can be had after the show.